You know when you were little and a bad dream would wake you in the middle of the night your parents would comfort you and remind you it wasn't real and you would go back to sleep? In this bad dream... there is no comforting (because my parents aren't here, and I can guess they have a similar reoccurring dream at times) and it WAS real. The dream happened again last night....
Every so often I stir like crazy throughout the night as August 13th replays over and over in my dreams. I can picture pulling into the driveway after work, my phone ringing, it was the Doctor's office... the same doctor who would later that night deliver CJ.... the nurse was calling to tell me that everything at my yearly apt went well and they look forward to seeing me again. It didn't cross her mind that I was related to another patient of theirs and what I was about to walk into when I went inside. (I just realized this may be the first time I've shared this piece of the story with ANYONE and my Mom follows this.... hey mom) I can feel the lump in my throat as I looked to find our 16y/o lab thinking she had passed, when my teary eyed Mom said she needed to tell me something. And then my body aches as I hear those words again. The rest of the dream plays out the same way the next few days did in reality and eventually I am able to wake myself from a nightmare I would rather not be in. Sometimes waking up happens sooner than other times, but it doesn't make a difference... its still awful. I wake up feeling the same way I did that week, exhausted and needing a hot shower.
Usually, once I get my day going I am able to distract myself enough to function like a normal person without something dragging me down. Today was just like that..... until a boy with downs syndrome came through the fast pass line. On a typical day, these kids make me smile and I love to interact with them. Today, was just that way... except after a high five for scanning his fast pass the correct way and his excitement for Nemo, I turned to wipe away tears. That should be my brother. What made him so special that he couldn't stay here with us? Why did he have to go to God so soon? Answers I will never have, but I pray for regularly.
And then the night rolls around and I'm afraid to fall asleep. Afraid to have that same nightmare, because quite honestly living it once was enough. So, much like I will after I hit post, I lay in bed watching a movie and playing some silly game on my phone until I am so tired that I cant keep my eye lids open anymore and I hope for the best.
Kk loves you so much, CJ. More than I could ever possibly explain to anyone. You have completely and totally stolen my heart, and taught me a kind of love that is going to take one amazing man to match. I can't wait to see your precious face again, and play in the heavens with you. But until that sweet moment, you keep shining down on us, and sharing that love of yours. Hugs and kisses to my little bug in heaven <3
Until next time friends.... snuggle your little blessings.... or let me have them for a day so I can.
Every so often I stir like crazy throughout the night as August 13th replays over and over in my dreams. I can picture pulling into the driveway after work, my phone ringing, it was the Doctor's office... the same doctor who would later that night deliver CJ.... the nurse was calling to tell me that everything at my yearly apt went well and they look forward to seeing me again. It didn't cross her mind that I was related to another patient of theirs and what I was about to walk into when I went inside. (I just realized this may be the first time I've shared this piece of the story with ANYONE and my Mom follows this.... hey mom) I can feel the lump in my throat as I looked to find our 16y/o lab thinking she had passed, when my teary eyed Mom said she needed to tell me something. And then my body aches as I hear those words again. The rest of the dream plays out the same way the next few days did in reality and eventually I am able to wake myself from a nightmare I would rather not be in. Sometimes waking up happens sooner than other times, but it doesn't make a difference... its still awful. I wake up feeling the same way I did that week, exhausted and needing a hot shower.
Usually, once I get my day going I am able to distract myself enough to function like a normal person without something dragging me down. Today was just like that..... until a boy with downs syndrome came through the fast pass line. On a typical day, these kids make me smile and I love to interact with them. Today, was just that way... except after a high five for scanning his fast pass the correct way and his excitement for Nemo, I turned to wipe away tears. That should be my brother. What made him so special that he couldn't stay here with us? Why did he have to go to God so soon? Answers I will never have, but I pray for regularly.
And then the night rolls around and I'm afraid to fall asleep. Afraid to have that same nightmare, because quite honestly living it once was enough. So, much like I will after I hit post, I lay in bed watching a movie and playing some silly game on my phone until I am so tired that I cant keep my eye lids open anymore and I hope for the best.
Kk loves you so much, CJ. More than I could ever possibly explain to anyone. You have completely and totally stolen my heart, and taught me a kind of love that is going to take one amazing man to match. I can't wait to see your precious face again, and play in the heavens with you. But until that sweet moment, you keep shining down on us, and sharing that love of yours. Hugs and kisses to my little bug in heaven <3
Until next time friends.... snuggle your little blessings.... or let me have them for a day so I can.
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