Some of the toughest decisions are those where we have to decide if we should stay or walk away from a situation. It's never an easy decision to make, but sometimes it's the best thing for you.
After my junior year of NCAA soccer I was faced with decision of whether or not I wanted to continue my career. After two solid seasons in the net I found myself on the bench my entire jr year until the very last game, which was ultimately more of a slap in the face than anything. Like "hey we aren't going to make tournament unless we win this game against the best team in the conference who also happens to be top 10 in the nation. No pressure." I was disappointed in myself after that game, and hung my head ashamed that I didn't make a difference that season. I beat myself up all season long about not being on the field. I felt guilty after a loss, but I wasn't even the one on the field. But that's where I had to stop myself. I couldn't throw a pity party, the decision to sit the bench all season was not mine.
I answered questions from the men's team, people on campus, professors, family, friends and even teammates as to why I wasn't playing. If i had a legitimate answer I would have given it to you. Except every time I sought an answer.. I didn't get it. "Work harder, show us you want it, you're time will come, we don't think you're ready since your brother and all.." Yeah, I heard that last one. And not just from one person, from multiple people in the athletic office. (I'm sorry, but if you really thought there was something going on you could have contacted a sports psych to talk to me. But don't EVER blame Christian, I was set to play my ass for that little boy... I wouldn't have come back if I wasn't' ready.) I heard everything in the book. Never was I told what to work on to better myself or to get my spot back. So I stopped asking. I sat the bench for 90 minute games and then went to the gym to run instead of going back to my room. I watched as we lost to teams we beat the year prior, watched as we gave up games we were winning, busted my butt in practices only to sit the bench.
I walked away from the season hating soccer. Something that got me through my childhood, was a huge part of my life, was my passion.... turned into something I couldn't stand. I didn't want to talk about it, I wanted nothing to do with it. I went to Disney excited to find myself, find the person other than the athlete I had become. And I did! I had a blast, made friends from all over the world, came out of my shell and hosted a show in front of 210 people every 20 minutes, and talked to strangers all day long. And then out of nowhere I get a call that the keeper who played all season was leaving. Suddenly there was a push to make sure I was coming back. At first, it was exciting. "Here's my chance!" And then all those negative feelings came back. Why on earth would I want to put myself back in that situation? I was really going to go back and play where I was told just a few months prior that the reason I wasn't playing was because my brother had died? Bullshit. Not a chance in hell.
So yes, for the hundredth time, I am not playing soccer for my university this year. No, it's not just because I didn't get play time. The issue was so much larger than that. There was no communication and when there was it was pitiful. I am a very prideful person and to put that jersey back on (if I ever actually got to) would have hurt more than anything. You don't treat an upperclassmen that way I was treated, you don't bench a starter who has set school records without having a conversation with a damn good answer.
The decision hurt, if anything I walked away from a family who I am sure is pissed as all hell that i didn't come back. They probably feel like I left them out to dry. But I had to do what was best for me. Last season tore me apart and I couldn't put myself through that hell again. But in the end, my decision was the right one. I've been able to apply to volunteer with organizations that I am interested in working with in the future, and am happy to say that those opportunities will be coming up in the fall. I'm focused more than ever on my school work and look forward to graduating. I've realized that I am more than a jersey number, I am more than the athlete that so many know me by,
I challenge all my readers to change. If there is something holding you back, something keeping you from doing something you want, something that is toxic to you... get rid of it. Find yourself. Be yourself. People are going to judge you. But those who love you and support you will stand by through it all.
After my junior year of NCAA soccer I was faced with decision of whether or not I wanted to continue my career. After two solid seasons in the net I found myself on the bench my entire jr year until the very last game, which was ultimately more of a slap in the face than anything. Like "hey we aren't going to make tournament unless we win this game against the best team in the conference who also happens to be top 10 in the nation. No pressure." I was disappointed in myself after that game, and hung my head ashamed that I didn't make a difference that season. I beat myself up all season long about not being on the field. I felt guilty after a loss, but I wasn't even the one on the field. But that's where I had to stop myself. I couldn't throw a pity party, the decision to sit the bench all season was not mine.
I answered questions from the men's team, people on campus, professors, family, friends and even teammates as to why I wasn't playing. If i had a legitimate answer I would have given it to you. Except every time I sought an answer.. I didn't get it. "Work harder, show us you want it, you're time will come, we don't think you're ready since your brother and all.." Yeah, I heard that last one. And not just from one person, from multiple people in the athletic office. (I'm sorry, but if you really thought there was something going on you could have contacted a sports psych to talk to me. But don't EVER blame Christian, I was set to play my ass for that little boy... I wouldn't have come back if I wasn't' ready.) I heard everything in the book. Never was I told what to work on to better myself or to get my spot back. So I stopped asking. I sat the bench for 90 minute games and then went to the gym to run instead of going back to my room. I watched as we lost to teams we beat the year prior, watched as we gave up games we were winning, busted my butt in practices only to sit the bench.
I walked away from the season hating soccer. Something that got me through my childhood, was a huge part of my life, was my passion.... turned into something I couldn't stand. I didn't want to talk about it, I wanted nothing to do with it. I went to Disney excited to find myself, find the person other than the athlete I had become. And I did! I had a blast, made friends from all over the world, came out of my shell and hosted a show in front of 210 people every 20 minutes, and talked to strangers all day long. And then out of nowhere I get a call that the keeper who played all season was leaving. Suddenly there was a push to make sure I was coming back. At first, it was exciting. "Here's my chance!" And then all those negative feelings came back. Why on earth would I want to put myself back in that situation? I was really going to go back and play where I was told just a few months prior that the reason I wasn't playing was because my brother had died? Bullshit. Not a chance in hell.
So yes, for the hundredth time, I am not playing soccer for my university this year. No, it's not just because I didn't get play time. The issue was so much larger than that. There was no communication and when there was it was pitiful. I am a very prideful person and to put that jersey back on (if I ever actually got to) would have hurt more than anything. You don't treat an upperclassmen that way I was treated, you don't bench a starter who has set school records without having a conversation with a damn good answer.
The decision hurt, if anything I walked away from a family who I am sure is pissed as all hell that i didn't come back. They probably feel like I left them out to dry. But I had to do what was best for me. Last season tore me apart and I couldn't put myself through that hell again. But in the end, my decision was the right one. I've been able to apply to volunteer with organizations that I am interested in working with in the future, and am happy to say that those opportunities will be coming up in the fall. I'm focused more than ever on my school work and look forward to graduating. I've realized that I am more than a jersey number, I am more than the athlete that so many know me by,
I challenge all my readers to change. If there is something holding you back, something keeping you from doing something you want, something that is toxic to you... get rid of it. Find yourself. Be yourself. People are going to judge you. But those who love you and support you will stand by through it all.
Be bold enough to use your voice, brave enough to listen to your heart, and strong enough to live the life you've always imagined.
#doitforCJ
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