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  Some nights its hurts more than others. Some nights I envy people who deal with screaming toddlers... if they only knew what they have. Some nights I wish I was staying in to rock my brother to sleep... not sitting in a bar. Some nights I sit and stare at his picture on my laptop and wonder what he would have been like. Would he love dinosaurs like his Tori? Would he hum and sing to everything on the radio like his Skye? Would he play every and any sport he could like his Kk? Some nights I wish heaven was a quick car ride away because even a hug would be better than not having him here at all. Some nights its simply easier to smile and say your okay when reality is... you're broken. Grief comes in waves.... sometimes you can keep your balance... other times you feel like you drowning.  Can't believe he will be 2 in a few days.....   

So I may be a little late the 2015 party, but it's because I wanted to compose something really worthwhile. I can't tell you how many blogs I have started and not finished since my last post. 2014 taught me a lot. A lot more than one simple blog post can explain, but i'll sure do my best. Make the decision best for you. When faced with choosing between A and B, don't choose B because that's that everyone wants you to do. Pick the one that YOU want. Pick the one that suits you best. Those who really care will support you whether you pick A or B. Pick the one that is going to set you up for a better future. "Family" is just a word. "The descendants of a common ancestor." That's the definition that pops up when you type "family definition" in to Google. But as I've gotten older I've learned the hard truth. Family is NOT always blood. It's the people who want to see you succeed. It's the people who don't just call

I would never wish my situation on anyone. I don't want anyone to experience the pain and heartache of losing a sibling. BUT, hate me now, go ahead... I wish everyone experienced something life changing. Whatever it may be. Ill leave it to your imagination. Here's why. A few weeks ago one of my younger sisters came home from school and was sharing a story from lunch. It went a little something like this. "X's birthday is coming up. X told her mom that she wanted not one but TWO Tiffany necklaces and if she didn't get them they were going to have a problem." Let that sink in. Maybe, but I hope to God not, this is totally normal to some of you. You blatantly told your parents what you wanted, and you got it. You chose something ridiculously priced and there it was. I'm disgusted by that. Here's another example. Last year after losing my brother I overheard someone complaining because they did not get the gold iphone but a blue one (or whatever color it

Dear CJ, Hiya baby brother! Hope you're running around causing havoc in heaven. I'm sure your laughing until your belly hurts now that Joan and Robin are up there with you. I would give anything to be with you but until then I need to ask a favor...  The holidays are coming and for any family with someone newly in heaven that can be rough. I need you to remind your family that our hearts will be heavy. Sure, it's been a year but no amount of time can take away the hurt we feel. We will always miss you and the holidays will never quite be right without you. Remind them to be gentle. Remind them to acknowledge you, hearing your name is SO much better than feeling like you are forgotten. We don't need another Christmas like last year.  I start a new job next week, keep me motivated to work and go to school full time. Dreams only become a reality if you work towards them and the cards have finally fallen in the right way to start making that happen. When it see

Happy October everyone! Maybe you're excited about fall weather, football season, or whatever pumpkin spice drink you prefer now being available. Or maybe the realization that Christmas is only 12 Fridays away is just too much to handle right now. Whatever the case may be, I want to shed some light on the month of October. I'm sure we are all aware that October is breast cancer awareness month. The NFL will allow teams to wear pink, high schools will have fundraisers, you'll be hit up for final donations by people taking part in some breast cancer awareness walk/run. But did you know that October is also National Pregnancy and Infant Loss and Awareness month? It's okay if you don't, it's a taboo topic and I wouldn't expect anyone to know unless they were in my shoes. In 1988, President Ronald Reagan designated October as Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month. The campaign started in 2002 when a group of women petitioned the federal government to reco

Some of the toughest decisions are those where we have to decide if we should stay or walk away from a situation. It's never an easy decision to make, but sometimes it's the best thing for you. After my junior year of NCAA soccer I was faced with decision of whether or not I wanted to continue my career. After two solid seasons in the net I found myself on the bench my entire jr year until the very last game, which was ultimately more of a slap in the face than anything. Like "hey we aren't going to make tournament unless we win this game against the best team in the conference who also happens to be top 10 in the nation. No pressure." I was disappointed in myself after that game, and hung my head ashamed that I didn't make a difference that season. I beat myself up all season long about not being on the field. I felt guilty after a loss, but I wasn't even the one on the field. But that's where I had to stop myself. I couldn't throw a pity party,