A year ago today we were sitting in a room full of baby things that were graciously gifted during Mom's baby shower. Tonight i'm physically and emotionally exhausted but feeling the presence of my little brother.
After a fun day at the water park with my family and sister's closest friends I ran to grab pizzas for everyone. Was in and out of the store in record time and driving back home. I turned to check my blind spot (which is massive because I was driving our monster of a van) and in the seat sat a little boy, a toddler, who gave me the biggest smile. Now before anyone gets the wrong idea... physically there was no little boy there. I did not drive off with some strange little boy in my back seat. There was however some sort of presence. I can't describe what I felt when I looked back but I can tell you I have felt it before. A few months ago I rolled over in bed and in the reflection of the mirror on the wall where usually my cowboy hat and jewelry box sit with anything that has collected over the last few days was my cowboy hat... but it was on the head of a little boy, toddler age, who was standing on the chest right there. When I rolled back over... he was gone. Considering it's not the first time a little boy has appeared... I've ruled out that the heat got to me today. I firmly believe that my little angel of a brother is making appearances when I need them most.
Today was rough. I woke up knowing it was August 3rd and immediately realizing how different this day was from last year.. Last year I was consumed all day in baby shower shenanigans. This year I sat in a lawn chair and occasionally covered my face with my hat to let a few tears fall. Last year I was so excited to meet my little brother in a few weeks. Today I was dreading the upcoming dates because I don't want to relive them. Today was the first of many hard days to come this month.
There is no book on how to go about this situation. I would have read it already if there was. There is no support group for siblings who lose siblings. I would be apart of it if there was. There is no right or wrong way to go about the next few weeks... so bear with me while I get angry over the little things, hide in the basement because I don't want people to see me upset, and simply act "differently" than usual. I'm trying to figure this out. One crappy memory at a time, i'm trying.
Tomorrow I'll pay the little man a visit and explain to him that angel sightings are a good thing, and I welcome them with open arms... ESPECIALLY if the angel is him... but better timing would be appreciated :) Looking over my shoulder to switch lanes... probably not the best time! Until next time... bear with me. Rocky roads are ahead. Send some love to someone who needs it this week and when you do.... #doitforCJ
After a fun day at the water park with my family and sister's closest friends I ran to grab pizzas for everyone. Was in and out of the store in record time and driving back home. I turned to check my blind spot (which is massive because I was driving our monster of a van) and in the seat sat a little boy, a toddler, who gave me the biggest smile. Now before anyone gets the wrong idea... physically there was no little boy there. I did not drive off with some strange little boy in my back seat. There was however some sort of presence. I can't describe what I felt when I looked back but I can tell you I have felt it before. A few months ago I rolled over in bed and in the reflection of the mirror on the wall where usually my cowboy hat and jewelry box sit with anything that has collected over the last few days was my cowboy hat... but it was on the head of a little boy, toddler age, who was standing on the chest right there. When I rolled back over... he was gone. Considering it's not the first time a little boy has appeared... I've ruled out that the heat got to me today. I firmly believe that my little angel of a brother is making appearances when I need them most.
Today was rough. I woke up knowing it was August 3rd and immediately realizing how different this day was from last year.. Last year I was consumed all day in baby shower shenanigans. This year I sat in a lawn chair and occasionally covered my face with my hat to let a few tears fall. Last year I was so excited to meet my little brother in a few weeks. Today I was dreading the upcoming dates because I don't want to relive them. Today was the first of many hard days to come this month.
There is no book on how to go about this situation. I would have read it already if there was. There is no support group for siblings who lose siblings. I would be apart of it if there was. There is no right or wrong way to go about the next few weeks... so bear with me while I get angry over the little things, hide in the basement because I don't want people to see me upset, and simply act "differently" than usual. I'm trying to figure this out. One crappy memory at a time, i'm trying.
Tomorrow I'll pay the little man a visit and explain to him that angel sightings are a good thing, and I welcome them with open arms... ESPECIALLY if the angel is him... but better timing would be appreciated :) Looking over my shoulder to switch lanes... probably not the best time! Until next time... bear with me. Rocky roads are ahead. Send some love to someone who needs it this week and when you do.... #doitforCJ
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| One year ago today this was my reality. Don't take a single moment for granted. Life changes in a heart beat. |
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