It's here. One year ago on August 13 I held my brother for the first and last time. The feels are way too real tonight. (The following is what happened over the course of the next few days from my point of view, read at your own risk... and don't say I didn't warn you.)
August 12 was just like any other day. I got up and went to work. We played hopscotch, rode bikes, had lunch, and painted the infamous picture talked about in a previous blog. I got off work and stopped for gas. As I waited for the tank to fill I got a text from Mom asking me to come straight home. Never in a million years did I see what was coming next. As I pulled into the driveway the doctor called me to say that everything looked good at my yearly appointment and she looked forward to seeing me again. She obviously didn't make the connection of who my mom was and how soon she would be seeing me. She was the doctor who would deliver CJ the next morning. I pulled the car into the garage and went inside.
Everyone was home. Dad was supposed to be at work. Something didn't feel right. Mom told me to sit down and I immediately looked for our 15 year old lab who wasn't doing well. She was on the chair where she normally was. (Little did we know that exactly a week later we would lose her too.) I sat down to hear that at mom's routine doctors appointment they learned CJ didn't have a heartbeat.Not possible. That's all that went through my head. In less than a month I was supposed to be rushing home from college to snuggle a new baby brother. I didn't believe it was happening. But it was. They had no explanation just that we were going to the hospital and family was meeting us there. I changed into sweats, called my best friend from the front yard sobbing, and we left. Strangest car ride ever.
We were met at the hospital by aunts, uncles, cousins and eventually our out of state grandparents. We were all together in and out of Mom's room while we waited for CJ to be delivered. A nun came and prayed with us and for us and checked on all of us for the rest of the night. It didn't feel real. Eventually we all moved to the waiting room to give mom time to rest. I remember very clearly seeing her doctor walk down the hall and standing up to talk to her. She explained she was going to check on Mom and that it probably wouldn't be much longer. As I stood in front of her you could see that it registered in her head who I was. My sisters and I curled up on the floor and waiting room chairs and dozed off and on.. Still hearing everything going on around us. Somewhere in the night CMA fest was on tv and I heard Carrie Underwood sing See You Again for the first time. The song stuck. My best friend showed up to sit downstairs and hold me while I cried.
Before the sun was even up I heard someone come in to the waiting room and say he was here. I stood up so fast. I just wanted to hold Christian. My sisters and I held hands as we walked down what seemed like a never ending hallway to CJ. When we finally got there we waited before going in. Weak legs lead all of us to sit down in the middle of the hallway. As we were sitting there waiting one of dad's friends (a security guard) came walking by. (It would be helpful to know that the hospital where CJ was delivered is the same hospital dad works and mom worked a year prior. So we know almost everyone there.) At first he smiled and said hi... And then he realized the puffy eyes and sat next to my sisters and I and just hugged us. No words needed to be said, we just needed support and he knew that.
We went in to the room and were able to hold Christian. I will never forget holding him, kissing his nose, and whispering secrets to him. No one and I mean no one will be able to take that moment away from me. Our priest showed up and baptized CJ with all of us in the room. There are no words that express what it looked like to watch CJ be passed around the room. You just felt his love. That's all he ever knew. Love.
It felt like seconds passed before we were headed back to the waiting room while mom and dad had CJ alone for a bit.
Later that day we went back to the house to deal with the dogs. I had the best friend pick me up and take me back to the hospital because being at home was too hard and I just wanted to be with mom. That night we spent at our aunts house trying to sleep but more of laid there awake.
The next day Skye and I met Dad at the cemetery to pick CJ's spot and then we went to the church to plan his mass. Not exactly what we thought we would be doing after our brother was born. Later that day Mom was released and sent home. The neighbor had intercepted flower deliveries and brought them over, not knowing what was going on. No one knew what to do. Christian's stuff was everywhere. To be honest... I couldn't tell you what happened the rest of the night. I know I went to Wal-Mart to get breakfast for the next morning. But that's all I remember.
The next day we laid Christian to rest. The amount of people who showed up was unbelievable. Never did I expect that many people. I stood in front of everyone and read a letter I wrote to Christian, a letter filled with everything that he taught me. Things my baby brother taught me and he never stepped foot on the earth.
A lot of it is a blur. I remember things but don't know where in the story they fit in. A few things stand out. The biggest being the amount of support we had. The amount of people who showed up for Christian's funeral still shocks me. The amount of flowers and cards we received was unimaginable. The amount of people who reached out to me, who I haven't talked to in years, outstanding. The love and support we receive on a daily basis from those close to us is what keeps us going.
While today, tomorrow, and the following days are going to be tough... I don't want to cry them away. Christian was and still is a huge part of my life. Everyday I live for him. He taught me things that no one in my almost 22 years of life has taught me. I love him more than I will ever love any man. His life and memories should be celebrated. So while I just poured my heart out sharing my side of that week... help us to remember how much joy he brings us and how much he still makes us smile on a day to day basis.
#doitforCJ
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