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Words

If there was one thing I wish I didn't have to answer for the next month it would be "what's the matter?/are you okay?". Last year it was "how are you?". I remember going to Wal-Mart of pick up bagels and juice the morning before Christian's funeral, not that any of us would eat the next morning but at least there was something in the house. The cashier asked me "how are you?", being polite and doing her job but it was enough to tick me off. Thoughts of "my brother died, we're burying him tomorrow, how the hell do you think I am?" swirled though my head. It was everyone's first question. "How are you?" And I was tired of hearing it. Unless you really wanted to know, I didn't want you to ask. And even if you really did care and want to know, I didn't want to answer. 

This time around it's "what's the matter?/are you okay?". Do you really have to ask? Is the looming date not a big enough sign? 9/10 times the answer is going to be "nothing", I'm not going to admit that I'm broken, that the hurt hurts too much, that a piece of my heart is missing, that life isn't fair, that this isn't how it was supposed to be. I won't crack and say it out loud... mostly because it brings tears and I'm tired of crying.... also tired from crying. 

So, for the record.... I'm "ok". 

'Grief never ends, it changes. It's not a place to stay but a new road to travel. Grief is not a sign of weakness or a lack of faith but rather the price of love."

*This week, be kind to all you meet. You don't know what people are struggling through. Think before you speak, while you may not think you're words are hurtful... "he's in a better place" will be enough to see smoke come out of my ears. And finally..... never miss a chance to say "I love you", nothing is guaranteed. *
#doitforCJ

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