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I had no intention of opening this site back up but I needed a space to write out Logan's birth story so here we are! And if I'm going to type it all out I might as well share it! Let's start on November 3. No, let's start before that. On October 15th when I found out I was pregnant, very pregnant, one of the first questions I asked the Doctor was "can I still run?". I had a million other questions but that was the one that slipped out first. Since March I had been training to run Wine and Dine weekend with my little sister and if it was safe I wanted to still attempt to participate. Doctor assured me that it was ok to keep running as long as I felt ok and encouraged me to keep working out in some capacity because both Logan and I were used to the activity. The week of the run (October 30th) I asked again if it was still ok and again Doctor encouraged me to run as long as I felt good. I went back and forth on what I was going to do all week leading up to the...

  Some nights its hurts more than others. Some nights I envy people who deal with screaming toddlers... if they only knew what they have. Some nights I wish I was staying in to rock my brother to sleep... not sitting in a bar. Some nights I sit and stare at his picture on my laptop and wonder what he would have been like. Would he love dinosaurs like his Tori? Would he hum and sing to everything on the radio like his Skye? Would he play every and any sport he could like his Kk? Some nights I wish heaven was a quick car ride away because even a hug would be better than not having him here at all. Some nights its simply easier to smile and say your okay when reality is... you're broken. Grief comes in waves.... sometimes you can keep your balance... other times you feel like you drowning.  Can't believe he will be 2 in a few days.....   

So I may be a little late the 2015 party, but it's because I wanted to compose something really worthwhile. I can't tell you how many blogs I have started and not finished since my last post. 2014 taught me a lot. A lot more than one simple blog post can explain, but i'll sure do my best. Make the decision best for you. When faced with choosing between A and B, don't choose B because that's that everyone wants you to do. Pick the one that YOU want. Pick the one that suits you best. Those who really care will support you whether you pick A or B. Pick the one that is going to set you up for a better future. "Family" is just a word. "The descendants of a common ancestor." That's the definition that pops up when you type "family definition" in to Google. But as I've gotten older I've learned the hard truth. Family is NOT always blood. It's the people who want to see you succeed. It's the people who don't just call...

I would never wish my situation on anyone. I don't want anyone to experience the pain and heartache of losing a sibling. BUT, hate me now, go ahead... I wish everyone experienced something life changing. Whatever it may be. Ill leave it to your imagination. Here's why. A few weeks ago one of my younger sisters came home from school and was sharing a story from lunch. It went a little something like this. "X's birthday is coming up. X told her mom that she wanted not one but TWO Tiffany necklaces and if she didn't get them they were going to have a problem." Let that sink in. Maybe, but I hope to God not, this is totally normal to some of you. You blatantly told your parents what you wanted, and you got it. You chose something ridiculously priced and there it was. I'm disgusted by that. Here's another example. Last year after losing my brother I overheard someone complaining because they did not get the gold iphone but a blue one (or whatever color it...

Dear CJ, Hiya baby brother! Hope you're running around causing havoc in heaven. I'm sure your laughing until your belly hurts now that Joan and Robin are up there with you. I would give anything to be with you but until then I need to ask a favor...  The holidays are coming and for any family with someone newly in heaven that can be rough. I need you to remind your family that our hearts will be heavy. Sure, it's been a year but no amount of time can take away the hurt we feel. We will always miss you and the holidays will never quite be right without you. Remind them to be gentle. Remind them to acknowledge you, hearing your name is SO much better than feeling like you are forgotten. We don't need another Christmas like last year.  I start a new job next week, keep me motivated to work and go to school full time. Dreams only become a reality if you work towards them and the cards have finally fallen in the right way to start making that happen. When it see...

Happy October everyone! Maybe you're excited about fall weather, football season, or whatever pumpkin spice drink you prefer now being available. Or maybe the realization that Christmas is only 12 Fridays away is just too much to handle right now. Whatever the case may be, I want to shed some light on the month of October. I'm sure we are all aware that October is breast cancer awareness month. The NFL will allow teams to wear pink, high schools will have fundraisers, you'll be hit up for final donations by people taking part in some breast cancer awareness walk/run. But did you know that October is also National Pregnancy and Infant Loss and Awareness month? It's okay if you don't, it's a taboo topic and I wouldn't expect anyone to know unless they were in my shoes. In 1988, President Ronald Reagan designated October as Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month. The campaign started in 2002 when a group of women petitioned the federal government to reco...

Some of the toughest decisions are those where we have to decide if we should stay or walk away from a situation. It's never an easy decision to make, but sometimes it's the best thing for you. After my junior year of NCAA soccer I was faced with decision of whether or not I wanted to continue my career. After two solid seasons in the net I found myself on the bench my entire jr year until the very last game, which was ultimately more of a slap in the face than anything. Like "hey we aren't going to make tournament unless we win this game against the best team in the conference who also happens to be top 10 in the nation. No pressure." I was disappointed in myself after that game, and hung my head ashamed that I didn't make a difference that season. I beat myself up all season long about not being on the field. I felt guilty after a loss, but I wasn't even the one on the field. But that's where I had to stop myself. I couldn't throw a pity party,...

I'm really good at stirring the pot. Really good. So... grab your coffee/beer/wine/water/apple juice... whatever the H E DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS you want to fill your cup with, buckle up, and enjoy the ride. Last week we celebrated Christian's first birthday. Notice I said celebrated. I did not say mourned, forgot, overlooked, disregarded, or neglected. We did not ignore that we have a brother/son. We lite candles and hung the star lights from his nursery on the porch the night before his birthday and the day of we took him balloons and spent the day together. Had his physical presence been her with us we would have celebrated the exact same way. Celebrated. Together. Being a newb (newbie) to this whole baby brother in heaven thing, I didn't know what to expect for his first birthday. Would people acknowledge that it was the day he was born? Or would they continue to overlook that I have a brother. Now, let me explain. The past year has been full of saying CJ's name. A...

It's here. One year ago on August 13 I held my brother for the first and last time. The feels are way too real tonight. (The following is what happened over the course of the next few days from my point of view, read at your own risk... and don't say I didn't warn you.) August 12 was just like any other day. I got up and went to work. We played hopscotch, rode bikes, had lunch, and painted the infamous picture talked about in a previous blog . I got off work and stopped for gas. As I waited for the tank to fill I got a text from Mom asking me to come straight home. Never in a million years did I see what was coming next. As I pulled into the driveway the doctor called me to say that everything looked good at my yearly appointment and she looked forward to seeing me again. She obviously didn't make the connection of who my mom was and how soon she would be seeing me. She was the doctor who would deliver CJ the next morning. I pulled the car into the garage and went ...

If there was one thing I wish I didn't have to answer for the next month it would be "what's the matter?/are you okay?". Last year it was "how are you?". I remember going to Wal-Mart of pick up bagels and juice the morning before Christian's funeral, not that any of us would eat the next morning but at least there was something in the house. The cashier asked me "how are you?", being polite and doing her job but it was enough to tick me off. Thoughts of "my brother died, we're burying him tomorrow, how the hell do you think I am?" swirled though my head. It was everyone's first question. "How are you?" And I was tired of hearing it. Unless you really wanted to know, I didn't want you to ask. And even if you really did care and want to know, I didn't want to answer.  This time around it's "what's the matter?/are you okay?". Do you really have to ask? Is the looming date not a big enough si...

 A year ago today we were sitting in a room full of baby things that were graciously gifted during Mom's baby shower. Tonight i'm physically and emotionally exhausted but feeling the presence of my little brother. After a fun day at the water park with my family and sister's closest friends I ran to grab pizzas for everyone. Was in and out of the store in record time and driving back home. I turned to check my blind spot (which is massive because I was driving our monster of a van) and in the seat sat a little boy, a toddler, who gave me the biggest smile. Now before anyone gets the wrong idea... physically there was no little boy there. I did not drive off with some strange little boy in my back seat. There was however some sort of presence. I can't describe what I felt when I looked back but I can tell you I have felt it before. A few months ago I rolled over in bed and in the reflection of the mirror on the wall where usually my cowboy hat and jewelry box sit with ...

I'm not one to shy from expressing how/what I am feeling. Heck, I have an open blog for all of your eyes to read! So it should come as no surprise that I take to writing here to... express myself for a few moments. Seven . A number I have rarely said. But yes, I am one of seven . Woah, shocker to those just tuning in. If you've been around for awhile you know my "secret", if not... welcome to the party. I am one of seven. Yes, I have 5 younger sisters and a baby brother. Wrap your brains around that. Somewhere in my past lies a divorce that I don't mention because it doesn't really matter. With that said if you want to be technical I am an only child. But lets be honest, I'm not. So yeah, seven. Why mention that? Well, the rest of this post didn't seem right unless I did. Let's get down to the good stuff. Have 6 other siblings, only talk to 4 (count CJ in there because... well just because). Why not the others, well in a short and sweet senten...

I have this picture hanging in my room that I painted last summer. Usually it doesn't bother me. Today I walked into my room and the tears were inevitable. I looked at it and cried. Almost a year ago I painted said picture while sitting at the kitchen counter with the little girl I watched over the summer. Who would have thought that a year later it would be a water-color, wrinkled piece a paper I may never be able to part with. You see this picture isn't just any picture. Its a picture of my family. The little girl I watched, we will call her B, wanted to paint. So we did. I watched as she moved lots of paint and water around on several pieces of paper in a short amount of time before I suggested she paint a picture of her family. The idea was to slow her down and make her take her time before she claimed she was done painting and bored already. To a complete surprise she agreed but only if I did the same. I watched as B painted her Mom, Dad, brother, and dog, paying close ...

God works in mysterious ways. I think we all can agree on that and that we will never understand his ways. This week I was faced with one of those moments. When you work strollers you have a lot of time to think. Occasionally people have a question on how to get to something, but the majority of the time is spent moving strollers so they are in good show and thinking. One day this week I was day dreaming while working strollers, thinking about CJ and what he would be doing at almost 9 months old. A little girl and her grandma approached the strollers parking lot and grandma began to gather their things. The little girl stopped and told me how she met Mickey Mouse and gave him a kiss on the nose, she met Donald, the Easter Bunny came to her school, the Easter Bunny brought her 22 Easter eggs and lots of candy because she went to sleep early that night ... typical 4 year old rambling. But then she made my heart stop. She looked around and then looked up to me and said "I know God...

If someone showed you a picture of Celine Dion would you be able to recognize it was her? More than likely if you are from a younger generation you wouldn't be able to. But if someone played one of her songs, you could probably guess it was her. If she walked right past you in Disney World you probably would have missed her too. Like a normal person, walking right at me, was Celine Dion. How I realized it was her is beyond me. I didn't believe it was her until I went upstairs and asked if she was in the building. Didn't exchange any words, but a sighting is good enough. How many people can say they saw Celine Dion while they were at work? Kids continue to say the strangest things.... In a Turtle Talk show (of course, where else would such a story come from?) a little girl asked Crush if he was going to eat one of his friends which one would he pick. Morbid. What child thinks of this? Crush of course said none because fish are friends not food, and then asked the same ques...

Another week at The Seas has come and gone, which brings me one week closer to being home on the couch with my puppy. I challenge anyone to try and come between me and Budweiser, it won't happen. This week was full of adorable little kids, and not so adorable older little kids. In a turtle talk show this week, Crush asked a little girl where she was from (meaning where do you live) and out of the most adorable, probably 3 year old, mouth came "mommy and daddy". Wise beyond her years ;) Hysterical laughing overtook the theater that day. And in another not hysterically funny moment I had to ask a family to not allow their 7 year old son to "go" in the bushes. I wish I was lying, and I honestly wish he would have been more discrete about the situation so I wouldn't have had to address it. But no, this little boy stood on a ledge probably 4ft high, pulled down his pants and took care of business relieving himself. I don't understand people. On another ...

You know when you were little and a bad dream would wake you in the middle of the night your parents would comfort you and remind you it wasn't real and you would go back to sleep? In this bad dream... there is no comforting (because my parents aren't here, and I can guess they have a similar reoccurring dream at times) and it WAS real. The dream happened again last night.... Every so often I stir like crazy throughout the night as August 13th replays over and over in my dreams. I can picture pulling into the driveway after work, my phone ringing, it was the Doctor's office... the same doctor who would later that night deliver CJ.... the nurse was calling to tell me that everything at my yearly apt went well and they look forward to seeing me again. It didn't cross her mind that I was related to another patient of theirs and what I was about to walk into when I went inside. (I just realized this may be the first time I've shared this piece of t...

With dinner cooking, laundry going, and a cold beer next to me.. it seems like a good time to put words to paper.... or webpage? The past three weeks have gone by super fast, its like I blinked and my parents were here and gone. Had a pretty sweet vacation with them while they were here that took us through all 4 Disney parks and downtown Disney in a crazy five days and landed us on the beach for an afternoon. It was a visit that was perfect but was far too quick. As soon as they left I was back in routine, getting ready for work the next day and the week ahead. Because my Mom is kick-ass I have a freezer full of meals that will probably last me through the month... yay for home-cooked food from momma during the part of the program that seems the hardest. Now, let me explain that last sentence. I was NOT homesick until I saw my parents and realized that I only had 40 something days left here. 40 days is nothing, its less than two months. But, its everything when the only place you...

GUYS!! I SAW MY BEST FRIENDS THIS WEEK! Did you feel the excitement there? I hope so, because I don't know how else to convey it to you. Two unplanned visits happened this week and I couldn't be more thankful that those people are in my life. They have supported me through some pretty tough times the last year and have continued to be by my side through this adventure while many others have decided to take a seat in the back. Tuesday night I was fortunate enough to see best friend #1, on a visit we thought would not happen. But things worked themselves out and said person made their way to the sunshine state for a far too quick visit, but I am so very grateful for those hours. Thursday morning I get a text while cleaning the apartment that best friend #2 and her boyfriend were in Disney World for the day. Of course I had to work but I made my way to Magic Kingdom after work where we were able to stand around and talk while the Electric Light Parade passed us. Both visits were...

What's in the cup is irrelevant, just know it was mighty good. And even better because of the Mickey straw. Week 7 is coming to a close and here's words you never thought you would hear me say.... I learned a lot from a turtle this week. While hosting two different shows this week I felt like Crush was talking directly to me with no one else in the room. The first time he said: "don't go against the current, ride it and let it take you to where you are supposed to be." We plan and schedule our lives (some more than others) to the point of exhaustion. Can you imagine if for a day, maybe even two if you were brave, you just let life happen. That sounds absolutely horrifying to me. I hate surprises and after this summer, unexpected surprises are not welcome.... they often lead to panic until I know what is happening. But in all seriousness. What if you woke up and just let life happen. You let the day take you were it was supposed to. Do you ever wonder what opp...